Im having one of those weeks- when I find myself just treading water, managing to manage, keeping a rational thought path as my dominant path and trying, trying not to step out onto all those little paths leading off the main path, anxiety, worry, panicky feelings, despair, self disgust, inertia, not good enoughness, general bleakness. I could list all the particular things I am currently worrying about, which are like small insects buzzing around inside my cranium, creating a dull, constant humm of negativity. But I feel like that’s a throwback to the times I spent in my teens, laboriously writing down everything I hated about myself and drawing self portraits which highlighted everything WRONG with me, as percieved by my unforgiving teenage eyes. Essentially not the best use of my time today. This post is essentially a continuum of yesterdays, when I wrote about combating the anxiety of waiting for things by DOING, even if it’s just making a list of elements that it would be useful to be adept at for when the email/letter/apocalypse comes. And I feel it’s important to acknowledge these shitty days, when its hard to feel good about your acomplishments, be they what they be. Colours are more intense when there’s black and grey to compare them to.
I should add that I am sat here, on the ground, in the studio of glór, with the lamps on and the main fluoro lights off, writing this. I also should add that I spend approx 6 hours a week in this space and that I value this time, as it’s compartmentalized, focused CREATE time. I don’t parent here, or do house stuff, or do studio work like work on my paintings here, or any of my other jobs. I just write in my blog, think about things, and try out performance ideas.
I constantly feel like I should be doing more, making more, being more productive, but it’s important to remind myself that being here, in this space, is a consistent act for the time being, that won’t be forever, actually only for a few more weeks, and thus is to be valued for what it is.
I am going to try the I NEED TO BE READY idea again today. This was an idea that I had before, but seemed very relevant this week, as I found myself in need of an action based work that by the sheer act of doing would serve to, even temporarily, displace my thoughts from the low level anxiety trough they’d been churning about in. Its easy to slip into this trough, and harder to get out. As mentioned rather dramatically in this post’s title; the fear of falling off the rational thought pathway and rocketing down into the churning pool of anxiety and ever repeating negative thoughts. Taking stock of one’s general good fortune and relatively very privileged circumstances and then making a list of necessary traits (deemed necessary by me of course) one should be equipped with in the event of a catastrophe or life change is always a good way to combat this mental state.
I NEED TO BE READY (trial 2)