WTF

OK just spent 20 mins trying to update my passwords in my new mac. Done rnow. Sigh. If you could keep emotion out of things it would be so much easier sometimes. Like yesterday. Ronan came home from work with the news that the house we had hoped to buy, had nearly bought but had backed out of because of the realisation that we were not able to sell the one we are in, had sold for a load of money, more than we could have paid for it, to the great delight of the inordinately smug prick of an estate agent. Queue feelings. Helplessness, anger, sadness, frustration, worry, annoyance at myself as I feel responsible for not earning more, negative negative. It would be easier if you could process this and move on, no emotion.

ANyway.

I am making a new piece called most appropriately Working Through Feelings. Use the feelings I say! Its like taking all this ridiculous action prohibiting emotion and forcing myself to be instinctive, not my natural state, I prefer to pontificate and ha ha I cant even remember the word for when you talk around it an do every other thing you can think of instead of getting it done. I made this image:

And wrote down a load of stuff very quickly. No problems finding content! So it kind of worked. Thinking about where I could make it. Paul offered his studio but he is always busy and I would not be in control of proceedings and think I’d prefer to be by myself initially. Could potentially do it here but would have to be v early morning situation before everyone wakes up. Maybe Laura Bennis’s studio? If I could film it in a space at the top where there is no other stuff around so relatively clean background except for mirror? I’d like to see how long I could keep doing it for, so as make it a durational piece. Also how to film? Iphone fucked. battery on way out. Another atmospheric transference situation. Do you finish feelign the same way as you started. Is it a cathartic exercise that allows you to finish, exhausted, cleansed of anxiety? Certainly it would be easy to make, just write the stuff down and do the work. No excuses!

Filmed the performance work INTBR 11-15 on Friday, in Ballybeg woods. It was a nice morning, I wore black trousers and a black jacket and black t shirt and black boots. No more dresses. Got- blending in/hiding/hugging/climbing/shouting/hanging done.

I stood between some trees motionless for blending in. Hid behind a tree for hiding. Climbed up a big rock and hugged it face down. Climbed along a branch, not very well. Hung from said branch. My hanging skills need work. Stood in road and shouted as loud as I could. Some people shouted back form somewhere in forest, which I don’t know yet if enhanced or detracted from the piece. Awaiting footage.

Then went back and took photos in nude bra and pants, for digital grafittit project as mentioned prevoiusly. Not as bad as I thought, but then I did not look at the photos after. I will wait tunil I ge them, and maybe just sit in them for a while until I can be more objective about them. At least its DONE.

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