am

So in a bid to maintain some control over things Ive been getting up early, Im managing 2 or 3 mornings a week at 6am. This is, when achieved, very productive. I get emails sent and this week a job application rewritten and sent- all of which are very hard to do unless I get some peace and quiet to concentrate. So yes its great on the productivity front but it means by 3pm I am wrecked and my tolerance is low. But if its the only way to get work done right now when the kids are off school and now into the summer hols- then it’s the only way.

I have been releasing footage of my INTBR 11-15 this week. I always feel apprehension around releasing work on instagram or any platform- it makes you doubt yourself putting anything into the public sphere. Anyway I need to address the full body photos. I was amazed at the ferocity of my reaction to seeing them. I was literally horrified. It was like being 16 again and engulfed in a white hot hatred and repulsion of your body. Everything I have ever disliked about my physical appearance loomed large at me. I had to check myself and remind myself of who I am and that the flesh I am encased in has done a lot for me over the years. But jaysus what a reminder to me that I am far from comfortable with myself. Far! I am not even ready to post it as I am still processing it. The laugh is on me, 100%, as I actually commissioned this photos. Ha ha! But now I need to do the project in some form. I think this will be a slow burner. I need to for sure not allow my image of myself to plant self doubt and negativity in my addled brain. Or if so to use the doubt and negativity in a positive way.

There is one that might work, I have made it black and white and will reproduce it VERY SMALL here, so as I can handle it…

trying to deal

I mean, as I said myself, full of bravado, it’s just another bag of flesh. We are all bags of flesh walking around on a rock. And if I sent this out to my friends who I trust at the start, to draw on.. it might work. I need to think about the brief which I would send with this when asking people to collaborate.

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