Fuck you to ageing, other more taxing quandaries and a sign from Laurie Anderson.

I want to take a series of images of myself and other women close up- with stuff written on our faces about how we feel about ageing and the anti-ageing beauty product industry and how it makes you feel insecure. Something like this below but written in stronger type and ALL OVER my face. Obviously this is not a new idea, but that’s not the point.

So I will try a more realised version tomorrow. I have been really struggling with my physicality lately, and finding the peri menopause or whatever the fuckisgoingonwithmybody-opause extremely debilitating, mentally and physically. Also I am seeing and noticing changes in my body and face and skin. My skin over my eyes is getting thinner and starting to sag, my skin all over feels kind of thinner and looser and my jaw is getting pouchier. It’s like my body is changing faster than my head is adjusting, I have ZERO inner calm re this and I ask myself daily, what is normal? What is acceptable? What level of this should I be ok with? I am ok with none of it. Especially the assumption that my main goal now a a 46 year old, is to age gracefully. I have no interest in grace or ageing, unless on my terms. I have stuff to do. I have goals to meet. The more I am confronted with my own changing body (hello lockdown and zoom) the more I resent the media and marketing, advising me to do face yoga, to buy collagen, to get tweakments, so as to do away with all these signs of age and admittance of mortality. I always said if I am lucky enough to get old I will be the high maintenance, stringy bodied, anally retentive older woman.

Also.

I have been agonising over how to get these 3 land art pieces made. My conundrum being: How to pay for the filming and documentation of the work. Who to tell about it? Try to align with a gallery or an arts group? When to do it? Is it possible? Will I be able to do it? Should I wait and try and do a kickstarter, which I have 1/2 set up already? Shouldn’t I go to Flaggy Shore beach and do a rehearsal, maybe for an hour, to see how it feels and to take some photos? And to make the promo video for kickstarter? Should I wait and try and get funding first, maybe through the Agility Award? Have I learned nothing, thinking about applying for an Arts Council grant again, when every time I do this I am unsuccessful, as it’s so oversubscribed? The definition of stupid is doing the same thing, over and over…. Should I try and think of a more low budget way to film the work?

I went for a little walk tonight and listened to Laurie Anderson being interviewed by Talk Art podcast. Tellingly, they asked her about a piece of folklore- that a long time ago, she apparently wrote 500 letters to venues announcing that she was doing a European Tour, and did they want to book her. This was before she had a tour in Europe. She said her advice to all emerging artists was ‘invent what you want, and don’t wait for an invitation’. I mean come on. It was like a sign from her, who I am a massive fan of, telling me to stop procrastinating and just do it.

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